Well, so much for planning. So much for envisioning a future. So much for completing things when I thought I would. This update is to say I'm sorry. If you read my last update, "Grief Is Never Fair," then you know the baby girl we were adopting, Ruby Fox Darling, passed away the day she was born. We had 11 wonderful/terrible hours with her and since then we have been reeling/recovering. I'll be honest, I have been avoiding all thoughts about my "A Thousand Champions" Kickstarter project. I have avoided finishing the vocals (thats really all that needs to be finished and it's done) because the song lyrics talk about things that remind me of Ruby and my throat constricts and that does NOT make for a good vocal. I have avoided fulfilling the "A Thousand Champions" Kickstarter incentives because when I envisioned painting mugs and making shirts and writing your lullabies I thought Ruby would be nestled on my chest. I have avoided because I've watched the funds that were to go to our lawyer finalizing Ruby's adoption now be put towards Ruby's burial. BUT, I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 where it says,
"1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace."
I imagine these moments like waves on the ocean and me like a tiny boat being tossed. I have been riding the swell of grief and now I can feel the pull of the next swell. I pray this swell is one of dancing, laughing, healing, mending and birth but you can never know. I have a song called "Laughter Comes Upon Us" that perfectly sums up my thoughts about this. It says,
"I've wept until I made a visible trail
This path has not been kind or ever friendly
But if I thought I'd want it another way
I'd surely find that nothing else is for me
Cause He is closer to me this way
Drawn by the tears and pouring rain
Right here clutched in His embrace.
Whispering breath against my ear
Tucked up against His scarred ribcage
Right here is where I wanna stay.
Laughter comes upon us like its lightning
Striking without wind or cloud or change
I knew that if I'm with Him it'd be this way
Cause promises are promises to Him "
I wanna let you know I've headed back into the studio, I've started humming lullaby melodies and progress is being made. Thank you for your quiet patience. You can never know how much it means to us. How can you pray for us now?
Be in prayer for our sweet birth mother who also lost Ruby.
Be in prayer that our hearts continue to mend.
Be in prayer that we can replace the funds in our adoption account.
Be in prayer for us that a baby is on it's way towards us even now.
Be in prayer that I can finish this "A Thousand Champions" Kickstarter project well!
Thank you so much for your support and I will keep you updated. I hope to have some music to you soon :)