This is the last one. I was wondering why I choose it to be last and began to think that perhaps it is because I would want to be honest about the life that was lived underneath this song. Perhaps I would tell you of the heartache and great joy that met one rainy day before I recorded my newest album "Current." But, in order for you to be able to go there with me, you would need to know a bit more about me. You would need to have followed me through the other videos "Current," "Galaxy Former," "The Damaged," and "Calling, Calling," and maybe listened to my CD, letting it grow on you so then you would be able to hear my words as honest words. You would hear words of a songwriter who is bleeding onto the paper. Because it is important to me that you hear honesty in my lyrics, because I want all of my lyrics to be a path that walks you straight to a Savior, my Savior, and if I am dishonest in my writing, then maybe you will be led to be dishonest, yourself, in your own relationship with God. This kind of living, the dishonest with your Creator type of living, is like a virus, worming itself throughout our lives, infecting our decisions, actions and relationships.
So here goes, honesty from a shy girl.
A few years back I was told that if I was going to be able to have children, then it was either going to be extremely hard or just not going to happen. This came to me as a shock because prior to this doctoral revelation I had thought that my husband and I had been the ones making the decisions on when or when not to have children. I never thought that there was a possibility that we might not be able to have a choice. This lead to bouts of anger and frustration and hurt and self-pity. I wrestled with what seemed like the glaring injustice of the insurance companies towards women desiring to have children (most do not cover the cost of infertility treatments) and women wanting to get rid of the babies they accidentally get pregnant with (most insurance companies cover the cost of abortions even though they may cost upwards of $10,000). Sometimes I felt like I was plummeting into a bottomless pit of sorrow with only a tiny flicker of hope to reach out for. Once again, I was not left to wallow. Once again, comfort found me. In this hurting time I found comfort in the only place real comfort can be found and that is alongside My Savior. In Psalm 34:18 it says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted," and in Isaiah 61:1 it says He will "bind up and heal the broken hearted." I clung to those two promises like life rafts and wedged myself right up against the testament of His scarred ribcage, because a God who would die for me, who would be beaten, bruised, spit upon, pierced in both hands, feet and even His side, is a God who I could hold to His promises.
Then, once again, in my life, what was wrong was made right. My body functioned normally without any treatments or chemicals or extraordinary measures and a life began growing within my womb.
Indescribable. Unexpected. Undeserved. Seemingly impossible.
Laughter came upon us like lightning and her name is Scarlett.
Later, in the months after having my daughter I sat in my home on a rainy morning feeling worry lapping at my feet as I wondered what the possibility of having a sibling for my daughter would be. Once again blood testing etc. was saying "extremely hard or just not going to happen" and I could see myself approaching the ledge of that bottomless pit BUT, as in other moments like this in my life, I began to reflect on who my Savior is. The Creator, Shaper, Breath Giver of this body of mine. And once again I would rest alongside this promise keeper God knowing that despite the outcome of more children or not, of hope crushed or fulfilled, of joy or pain, a life lived next to Him is a life of desire fulfilled(For more of my thoughts in this direction you can read my blog "Desire").
This is the floor upon which this last song I recorded a live video for was built upon. This is "Laughter Comes Upon Us" in lyric and video. Laughter Comes Upon Us I've wept until I made a visible trail This path has not been kind or ever friendly But if I thought I'd want it another way I'd surely find that nothing else is for me
Cause He is closer to me this way Drawn by the tears and pouring rain Right here clutched in His embrace Whispering breath against my ear Tucked up against His scarred ribcage Right here is where I want to stay
Laughter comes upon us like its lightning Striking without wind or cloud or change I knew that if I'm with Him it'd be this way Cause promises are promises to Him