Sarah Mac

There is a fantastic little girl I know who finally successfully grew up and no longer needs diapers. This is a pretty amazing thing. I am just embarking on this transition with my 2 year old daughter and the task is daunting to say the least. The difference with the other little girl (lets call her FLG for fantastic little girl) is that she has just finally successfully done this at 3 1/2 years old and while this is not super uncommon it is still on the later side for her to be making this transition. FLG had an excuse though. Actually she probably could’ve listed many excuses but the main one was the dissolution of her parents marriage. At the time she should’ve been doing the typical potty training transition there was all kinds of stress and turmoil in her house so the diapers stayed on and stayed on and stayed on.

While thinking about FLG I started thinking about myself and other adults. We frequently sin and then blame something or someone else in our life for that sin almost as if the other person or thing would then bear the punishment for it instead of us the sinner. I heard a speaker say once that we use self pity as an excuse to sin. “I’ve had a hard life therefore I get to do drugs.” or “I’m a victim, therefore I get to abuse alcohol,” or even “People are mean to me therefore I am allowed to be mean to others.” John Piper has revelatory things to say about self pity and this line of thinking

“The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting with self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.”

Ouch! So when I look at it this way, when I choose to wallow in self-pity and then sin within that self-pity it becomes a reward to me. That is a crazy thought. To use sin, the thing that leads to death and makes people miserable, as a reward? Romans 8 says

5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

I want to please God. I want to have life and peace. At some point we have to realize we are on the older side of learning this, and no matter what problems we’ve had in our lives, even those caused by others, we have to make the transition out of sin. Next time you think about making excuses for your sin just imagine yourself being the one who refuses to get potty trained because you like those diapers…

So 95 days ago I started at Genesis 1:1 and attempted to read through the bible in 90 days. I talked about this endeavor in my blog called “Let’s Read.” There is a plan that some kind gentleman laid out that gives the amount of the bible needed to be read each day to make this possible. There are also 2 days included in the 90 that are grace days to be used when I couldn’t get the reading done. (Here is the link in case you want to use it: The Bible in 90 Days-Reading_Schedule) Let me tell you…there were all kinds of excuses I found mounting each day in my brain. The things I needed to get done. The time that wasn’t available. I have a two year old, I travel for my work (frequently with my 2 year old so don’t be thinking I had lots of airplane quiet time), I am recording a new record and trying to finish songs, we moved during the 90 days, etc. etc. etc. As of about 12:30 pm today, 95 days later, I finished. I failed the 90 plan but I succeeded in the 95 day plan I have read the bible cover to cover many times in various translations (I always try to change it up so that it stays fresh and I don’t zone out) but this time was different. I heard the message of the bible in bigger chunks which means I grasped the context much better. I think I read the entire book of Nehemiah in 1 day which allowed me to see such a bigger picture. I have to admit that I kept wanting to stop and dig into many different things that jumped out at me but now that I have finished I can go back and do that. I think I will make this a regular thing throughout my life. Maybe once a year reading it quickly and then slowly and more in depth the rest of the year, who knows. I do know one thing though, I am just like you and if you are sitting there thinking that you don’t “get” or understand the bible, or that it is boring or too hard to read or you don’t have the time or that you already know it. You are wrong on all accounts and you are only allowing yourself to miss out. You can turn your head away from this blog and go back to your day, week, month where you don’t ingest the word and let someone else do all your thinking for you but, you. are. missing. out. Make a habit of it…do it…come on you really can…

Today I was thinking about my life, as I ran. I thought about the joys I have in life and the trials I have had. It was easy for me to smile and think of my daughter and the blessing that she is. She is joyful and I can clearly see an amazing Creator’s reflection in her. When I am around her with others it becomes easy for me to speak of the good things she brings and adds to my life. The good things that ultimately the Lord has brought into my life through her. After musing on this for a while I started to reflect on the things that have been more trying in my life. There have been and still are hardships and sufferings that I deal with frequently that are relentless. If you happen to be around me during a moment when these things are pressing on me you would probably find me closed off, quiet, and withdrawn. You might even find me lashing out as a final defense before I think I will crumple. As I thought and am still thinking about the way that I handle these things in my life in relation to the good things I am reminded of Job. I, in no way, believe that I am the type of person that Job was. He is a godly person that I aspire to be like, but I found myself imaging being in his shoes. We are able to look back at his life and see a purpose to it. We know the inside scoop. We feel like perhaps his trial wasn’t so bad because we already know the outcome and the why. We know the story of Job’s ending so the fact that he remained faithful to the Lord and didn’t take his crazy wife’s advice to “curse the Lord and die,” seems almost easy. Now I place my life in this scenario. I imagine someone reading the book of Sarah that chronicles the events and my thoughts over the last few years and I’m sorry to say that it would be so much different and I haven’t even come close to the trials that Job experienced yet still Job’s responses were:

Job 1:21-“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”

And

Job 2:10-”Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.”

There was a purpose to Job’s life and sufferings and trials. We have reaped vast amounts of wisdom and comfort and hope from his story and will continue to until the day we see our Savior. Today I have realized that although I will never have a portion in the bible that will display my life for others to glean from I would hope that that doesn’t lead me to think that there is no purpose in still blessing the Lord in times of trouble as well as in times of joy because I know even if there is no one else, there is a very small little girl who is watching me closely and someday may look back to see if there is anything she can take from my mothering that might help her. Will she see a mother who only praises and gives glory when times are easy or will she see a mother who knows that our God deserves praise even when times are rough?

When do you praise?

I want to have my fill
I want to have enough
I want to see I’ve gorged myself
and see I’m still corrupt.
I want to crash and burn
I want to self implode
Cause that’s when I will love You most
When I exhaust this home.

The first day my husband and I came to see the new house we’ve moved into I immediately noticed an amazing plant smell throughout the entire house. As the real estate agent walked us through the house I noticed all the windows were open and the smell was blowing in from everywhere. As we left the house I finally asked the agent if he knew, by chance, what plant was giving off the amazing smell but he looked at me strangely and said “ummmm, no.” Well a week later we had decided this was the house we wanted and were doing a final run through with the house owner and there was the smell again. I quickly asked her what it was and she smiled and replied that it was a tree she planted when she bought the house that she found in Hawaii. She lead me to the front yard where this massive tree stood and I delighted in the thoughts of permanent house perfume. Now it is 2 weeks since we moved into this house and although every window is open and a breeze blowing through, I can no longer smell the fragrance of the tree. My silly nose and brain have conspired against me and have decided that they are bored with the smell and have shut it out, no longer acknowledging it. In one part of my brain I keep thinking “come on! smell it! don’t be bored…don’t have your fill…don’t tune it out!” It does’t matter though, I suppose there is too much other “important” stuff for my brain to process than to keep track of something that is always there. So here’s what I do. I go out and stand under the tree. That’s where I can smell it again. I have just done this again while I’ve been writing this blog and a broken off a small bit of it to bring inside and place next to me so I can continue to smell it. It was in realizing this the other day that I also noticed that this is what I do with Christ. I work in ministry, am married to a christian, have a family of many christians, have friends who know the Lord, I hear people talk about Him, sing about Him, and teach about Him. He is blowing through every window of my “house,” yet, sometimes I stop and realize I don’t “smell” Him anymore. I need to remind myself to go back to Him, stand near Him, tilt my head back and breathe Him in. Then find myself clutching the things He reveals to me about Himself and keeping them near me so that I’m constantly smiling at the fragrance of Him that is all around me.

Last night I lead worship for a service where Evan Wickham taught a great message about the paper leaves we wear pretending that we are better and more righteous than we are but still have no fruit(if you want to check it out you can go to www.horizonsd.org and find it under video archives- August 11). Towards the end of the message he read the verses in Luke 7 about the prostitute who poured the alabaster jar of perfume on Jesus’ feet at the Pharisee Simon’s house. Simon thinking he was going to make Jesus look bad started murmuring to those around him about how wrong it was that Jesus was allowing her to be touching him since she was such a well known sinner. At this Jesus tells a story about a creditor in Luke 7:41-42 “Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Jesus’ purpose in telling this was to show Simon that this woman had been forgiven so much that she loved Jesus far more than Simon did. Simon who had been forgiven little loved Jesus very little. As Evan was teaching this my head kept running with this thought. I am Simon in this story. I don’t have a history of prostitution or any of the things that I think are “big” sins and it grieved me to think that I have been loving the Lord little. I can remember being disciplined as a child. My parents would frequently relieve my punishment as an act of grace towards me. Sometimes the punishment was small like having to go to my room for the evening without any tv. My mom or dad might come into my room after an hour and talk to me about what I had done wrong to see if there was any repentance and eventually say “Ok, you can come out and join us. You don’t have to stay in here all evening by yourself like we originally said.” I would be relieved and thankful but it wasn’t as big of a deal as when I was grounded for a month from my radio (arghhhhhh!) and my parents released me from that punishment after a week. Then, ahhhh how happy I would be and how grateful for grace! What joy and happiness and love for my parents. Now, this is such a small small small example I am using as a metaphor, just as Jesus’ example about money was small in comparison to the sins He would die on the cross for later that week. Here is what hit me though. Although I view myself like Simon the Pharisee who believed he needed less forgiveness because his sin was less (yuck its gross even typing out that sentence and admitting that I thought that), the truth is, I see my sin as even greater than the prostitute’s now. My sin being that I have not loved the Lord as greatly as I should. I have believed that He didn’t have to give as much up for me. He didn’t have to forgive me as much. Oh my heart hurts, as I sit here and look at it, seeing it’s depravity. So here is my public confession:

I have thought too highly of myself and loved the Lord too little.

Lord forgive me. Show me how to love You more. Carefully show me who I am so that I can be the one at Your feet with tears and an alabaster jar…

Twice today I have read or heard the same thought. Perhaps I should pay attention. One verse I was hearing read in a sermon was 1 Peter 1:24-25 ” “People are like grass; their beauty is like a flower in the field. The grass withers and the flower fades. But the word of the Lord remains forever.” Then a few hours after hearing this verse I found myself reading Psalm 144:4 and Psalm 146 :5-6, “Man is like a breath; his days are like the passing shadow,” and “do not put your trust in princes…in whom there is no help. His spirit departs, he returns to his earth; in that very day his plans perish.”

I feel like I am always busy and there is never enough time. There are so many plans that I have for my life (immediate and future) and each day is not enough to get it done. I will admit that I could use a bit more work in time management but wrestling the mother, the creative, the studier, the songwriter, the singer, the runner, the wife, the word ingest-or, all into a managed plan seems pretty impossible. So I always have a semi plan and hope that everything gets checked off of my “this is the plan” list. I have found relief today, at least for the moment while the truth is pressing on me, in these few scriptures. They have made me sit back and think, “what is the purpose of my planning?” Well? Ok, these are the things that flurry into my mind:

-take care of my daughter
-try to make a space for her happiness
-be a good wife
-be a good friend
-write songs that have a purpose
-make music that challenges, stretches, draws, lulls, comforts, encourages, shakes, grabs, and moves people
-learn and learn and learn some more so that I have something worth saying

As I was working and thinking about all of these things I just was reminded that it all comes down to the same thing. In order to fulfill all of that list I must know Jesus. Thats it. Thats all I have time in this life for and it will fill this life up completely. Whats crazy about this thought though is that it seems like if I am focusing all on Jesus then maybe I would be neglecting the other things while in fact the other things are neglected only if I am NOT seeking after him. My daughter will only get my best if I am a mother who knows Jesus. My husband will only have my best if I am seeking Jesus. My music listeners will only have my best songs and music if I am seeking Jesus! Get it? Sarah MacIntosh (you can insert your name here) do you get it? There is only enough time in this life for one focus because we are all a vapor. We are only a blade of grass that withers or a shadow that passes with the sun or a flower that fades. We are only a moment BUT the word of the Lord is forever.

As I type this blog my husband and I have movers bringing the last of our belongings to our new home. If you know me you might be thinking “Jonny and Sarah are moving again???” Well, yes. I can’t believe it myself but we finally realized that the scorpion “problem” at our last house was not going away despite the hundreds of dollars we’d spent on pest control. There was no controlling those guys and at the 35th and largest scorpion found right next to my bare footed daughter we decided it was time to move. We found a new house and packed and moved all in less than 1 week. This is fast. Boxes were packed and unpacked in the same day. So, here I am sitting on the couch in my new home while other people bring in my belongings. “What a lazy bum Sarah is,” you might say, “Why is she sitting around?” Well that’s because yesterday after carrying many large boxes up and down stairs, I picked up a fairly small box and threw out my back. Stupid old lady back. I’ve now been sitting and watching as others around me do the work that I need to be doing. It is humiliating and humbling but also revelatory. So what is it revealing? As my husband and I packed we started seriously reviewing what we need and what can get thrown away or given away. I started getting excited as the piles of “get rid of stuff” grew. I loved the idea that I wouldn’t be carrying any of that un-wanted un-needed stuff with me to our new home. I also was in awe of how much stuff we had accumulated. Stuff we hadn’t used in months and possibly years. Stuff that we’d been dragging around with us and not even knowing why. Not anymore. We are lighter and leaner. We are svelte and it feels amazing. So why don’t I do that in my life regularly? How much “stuff” do I accumulate emotionally that I drag around and bear the burden of only because I don’t want to take the time to sift through it and get rid of it?

2 Corinthians 5-8
1-5For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we’ll never have to relocate our “tents” again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what’s coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we’re tired of it! We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.